I was going through some papers and found this poem (below) that I had written when I was pregnant, just after my friends Jamie and Kate had their babies, just after my friend Delphine found out she was pregnant again after two miscarriages... When I read my words I remembered that time and how it felt... the moment before everything changed. I felt so vulnerable.
This is the year we all began to reproduce
Individual decisions turning into a movement
As if a mandate had been issued
I am no longer in the habit of praying
And I have ceased to believe in a god
sitting smugly behind a customer service desk
doling out wishes and denying pleas
Still, in times like these I want to send out requests:
Let the two little boys just born in New York thrive
Where the staples are on their mother’s bellies, let skin grow together
When they pass the wand over my friend’s stomach today,
let there be a heart beat this time
And let the baby in my own body be born
And let it grow up and beyond me and in spite of me
Moving blind in the direction of motherhood
We give our bodies over to the next generation
We have no idea how to do this
Or what we have chosen
But it is far too late to undo this
We are already believers; our love already unleashed
We are in over our heads
We are fumbling with fragile things.
And so, though they have no target
I am inclined to send out requests
In recognition that we are caught up
In events beyond our understanding
And out of our control
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