Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I have had the stomach flu. I think this has affected my milk supply. Ellis has seemed hungry when we put him down at night, so Dave's been giving him a bottle of formula.

The transition to solids is still going slow. He still refuses anything on a spoon. But he will eat those Gerber puffs that melt in your mouth, and sometimes small pieces of food, like bananas. Anything that he can manage to pick up and eat himself, he will eat. But it is clear he is not a fan of being a passive recipient of food. As my Grandpa would say, that's the fire in him. I like the fire in him.

Most days we strip him down to his diaper, pour pureed baby food or pureed food unto his high chair tray and then sprinkle those Gerber puff things over it, and let him go for it, hoping some of it gets in his belly.

Today, my second day home from work sick, I could tell Ellis wasn't getting enough milk nursing, so I gave him the first bottle I personally have ever given him. This was hard for me.

Breastfeeding was so difficult at first. Ellis' latch was tight and shallow when he was a newborn. I was in a lot of pain for the first month and a half. I tried everything. I stalked lactation consultants. There were times I thought about giving up. The lactation consultant and the La Leche League people kept telling me it was going to get easier. I wanted to tell them where to go.

But, they were right. I made it through to the other side. It did get easier. I began to enjoy it, and understand how important it was to bonding with Ellis.

Now, with the prospect of my supply going down, I realize I am not ready to stop breastfeeding. We started using formula more regularly this last month. I am worried that this, combined with those days that I can't fit in a second pumping session at work, are contributing to my supply diminishing. And now this stomach bug...

There have been so many times that I have been so sick of nursing, bitter about the beers I couldn't drink and frustrated at having to watch the clock to make sure I was home within two hours...I resisted the limitations breastfeeding put on me. I can see now how much I fought against this invasion of my body, personal space and time. I had to beat down my ego, and go through a mourning process of my old self that could come and go as she pleased.

But now, I'm not ready for it to end. Now it's a part of my life and whatever self this is that I have become. I can see now this is going to be a never ending process of self reinvention.


  1. bree, i swear we are living the same lives....it makes you feel any better, I am having the same inter turmoils! This week in Woodstock has been really really bad for sleeping. Since we are in this tiny cottage, I have been nursing through the night in an effort to keep him quiet. This morning in a rage I declared to Kelly, "NO MORE NURSING AT NIGHT! IM DONE! AND NO MORE NURSING BEFORE NAPS!" Clearly, I have had a bad night sleep.....its a hard decision. Its complicated because it means so much to them. A long time ago, our doctor said,"its such a personal decision"....and no matter how many people I talk to and opinions I hear, it really is so personal. My friend Liz said to me the other day, "it just has to feel right for YOU"....and its the truth. As sad as I am, I think I am coming to the end of the line. I know I was entertaining the idea of going well into toddlerhood but I dont think I can.....when we get home, we have many-a new programs starting. keep you posted and feel better!! Jamie

  2. Oh my gosh ... you forget just how tiny they are when they first enter the world! Great picture ...